A life rich with experiences will involve many different people. There’s an old adage: “People enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” This is an essential saying to remember if you’re struggling to move forward with healthy choices and toxic relationships are weighing you down.
According to PsychAlive, toxic characteristics usually feature “repeated, mutually destructive modes of relating…these patterns can involve jealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness, or rejection.” Any relationship with another person can be unhealthy due to numerous factors, including:
- Being selfish or demanding, as though they wield power over you
- Refusing to act in kind ways with loving or thoughtful intentions
- Using emotional coercion, lies, or manipulation to fulfill needs
- Never apologizing to or supporting you
- Assuming roles of parent or child by allowing dominance or expecting submission
- Confusing actual love with emotional hunger or desperation
- For couples, denying individuality, “instead seeking a merged identity”
Many people who’ve overcome substance use disorder have a few toxic relationships to address. Some might have ended when a person entered an inpatient rehabilitation center, because the environmental shift provided critical distance. Others might be more complicated to handle, such as family members or people within your social circle.
You have to take three important steps to make positive changes:
- Use therapeutic reinforcement to recognize your worth and understand why you deserve to have healthy relationships.
- Face the facts as to how you might contribute to toxic relationships and what you can do to create better awareness.
- Identify the people who add toxicity in your life, and decide whether to establish firm boundaries with them…or release them completely.
Make the Most of Therapy
Ending toxic relationships has less to do with the other person and more with how you perceive your place in the world and why you’re worthy of joy and contentment. Few of us truly understand these validations in deep and meaningful ways—and they’re even harder when you’re learning how to be successful in recovery.
Through various forms of mental health support, including cognitive behavior therapy, family therapy, group therapy, and continuing care community groups, you’ll have an easier time processing:
- What’s happened in your past to contribute to certain relationship attachments.
- How your self-esteem and self-efficacy affect your interactions.
- An assurance of your innate human value and how to display this to other people.
It’s easy to think of yourself as a victim of the manipulations of other people. In many circumstances, especially in those involving trauma and abuse, this may very well be true.
However, at some point, it’s vital to your wellbeing to move away from a victim mentality and use new methods to not only reinstate your worth, but also face the facts of how you might have been drawn to certain personalities in the past—and learn to avoid these toxic relationships in the future.
Substance use disorder and codependent relationships are quite common. So although you’re adamant about staying away from toxic people, you’ll need to do some critical soul-searching to recognize some of the ways you might contribute to unhealthy relationships, such as:
- Feeling responsible for other people’s actions
- Doing more than necessary to keep the peace in a relationship
- Allowing your moods and behaviors to be dictated by other people
- Doubting yourself and having challenges with decision-making
- Requiring approval from other people to add to your worthiness
- Feeling fear of abandonment or loneliness
- Believing you’re responsible for another person’s happiness
Although it’s challenging to face these realizations and change behaviors, you’re stronger than before and have new resources to help support the no-drama life you deserve.
Deciding If and How to Walk Away
It’s definitely not easy to make relationship changes, especially when you might have to maintain some form of contact.
But look at the first list of this article and identify the people whose behavior includes one or more of those characteristics. Then ask yourself: “Is there a reason for this person to be in my life? If so, can I speak up about this behavior and find a way to deal with it healthfully?”
Remember: you can’t change other people, nor should you try. You can only alter your behavior and reactions. By announcing that certain attitudes and behaviors don’t align with your new way of life, you allow them to make a decision: abide by your boundaries, or not. There’s no need to be unkind. Simply be firm, direct, and clear.
If it’s better to cut ties completely, be clear about your reasons and why. Make sure to use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. For example:
- “I need to make different choices to maintain my health and sobriety. Because our paths are different, I can no longer be in a relationship with you if I’m going to be successful in my recovery.”
- “I’ve learned that the way we interact with one another isn’t healthy for me and my commitment to recovery. Please understand that we can’t continue moving forward together.”
You can rehearse such conversations ahead of time in therapy or with a trusted family member or friend. If you’d like a few more tips, a licensed social worker offers these suggestions.
Now of course, not everyone is going to see the relationship as you do. There might be questions, threats, curses, and other aspects of negativity, so do your best not to be drawn in. Make sure to have members of your support group on speed dial to provide encouragement and listening ears.
Willingway’s Levels of Relationship Care
Through information, education, and interactive therapy, the staff at Willingway strives to enable everyone to move forward healthfully and with purpose. For example, if there’s a chance family members can heal together and become allies in recovery, we’d like to see it happen. Ask about our family therapy programs.